Quarter Life Crisis (so to speak) Posted by Essence Renata , Thursday, September 24, 2009 at 2:21 PM, in Labels: Random Rants of Essence

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?” – Sex and the City

25 is a strange age for me. I feel old. I know in the overall scheme of things, I am considered to be relatively young, but it’s official, I’m in my mid 20’s (slowly pulls barrel out of mouth and puts the revolver on the table to continue typing). I’m at the age where I am still young enough to be reckless but old enough to know better. I have approached this crossroads and have decided to grab my future by the balls and not leave things up to chance.

I have made major changes in my life over this past year, and if I was to sum up how I feel about 2009 I would say for the most part I consider this year to be a year of progression. Difficult as it was, I rid my life of all toxic people, and while it hurt for awhile, I am more relaxed than I have in a long time. Sometimes isolation is a good thing. I am in no way saying that I am a total loner, but I do keep a very small circle and I rather like it that way.

The move to Atlanta. It seems so far away yet so close. The reckless young woman in me tells me just to leave and leave it up to my destiny, and the sensible adult in me bitch slapped that reckless girl and told her to sit down and amass a more than substantive savings before completely isolating myself from my loved ones. I always envied the ones that just followed their hearts and got on a bus, train, or drove off into the sunset and their destiny. Life made me too much of a realist to do anything that idealistic. It’s no secret that I am unhappy in Oklahoma City. I mean I am happy that my family is here, and I have my own roof over my head and I am able to travel and experience things, but it sucks to work at a job as stressful as mine, and in your down time never want to do anything because you don’t enjoy the city you reside in. I am a big city bright lights kind of gal, and while OKC is bigger than most outsiders preconceive it to be, it’s too slow for me here.

I have also come to realize that I don’t know if I want kids. I don’t feel the urge to bear children at all. I wish to have a successful career, in which I feel fulfilled by my work, and to see the world, not change diapers and be chained to a place because a child needs stability. Not knocking parenthood at all, it’s just that not everyone is meant to be a parent, and I often feel as if I am one of those people that is meant to live for self.
I wasted two years of my life not in school and in a city I didn’t belong in, investing in a bad relationship. I can’t undo the past or get back time wasted, so I feel a sense of urgency that often consumes me and causes me to retreat further into self than I often should. I know it is a good thing to have goals, a great thing to actually take the steps to actually achieve them, but should it consume you? I often feel that with me it does. I haven’t been out in quite sometime, all I want to do is work, do school work, or go to the gym… I need to relax.. get that balance back.. besides…25 isn’t getting old is it? When I see 18 and 19 year olds, they seem so young and naive to me, and they say when you start thinking like that…well you know the rest. Bae always tells me that my obsession with aging is unhealthy, my retort is that time stands still for no one and I am not getting any younger lol.

I’ve taken a lot a big risks in my life. It makes me feel alive, and I realize that even with savings, moving during a time of economic turmoil is risky, but I’ve been here for three years, it is time to move on to bigger and better things. I need to be somewhere were my lust for life will overwhelm me and make my muse dance with the wind and sing me sweet lullabies. Here, my muse comes and goes, but she cannot forced, our love is on her terms, not mine. I am comfortable here in OKC, I know my way around, people know me and of me, I have been at my job for a long time…yadda yadda yadda. I need to be uncomfortable, a little on edge, I want to live, not fall into routine and complacency. People tell me I am foolish to follow my heart and my dreams, that I should take the safe route. I politely tell them to fuck off and it’s my life not theirs, I will do what’s best for me, and I only hope that they would do the same. It’s hard when you feel like no one understands you at all, but I am a woman of constant change, so am I asking for to much? I get irritated beyond belief when people make incorrect assumptions based upon brief interactions, but is it my fault for keeping every one on the surface. Very few have seen more than the tip of the iceberg, but the current is ever changing. Many of us are so quick to boast that they are a grown ass woman/man; I on the other hand feel as if growing into being the epitome of the woman or man that we are destined to be is a lifetime process.

Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Essence, 25, Capricorn, and I am a full time worker, full time student, full time lover… and a my journey to becoming a better woman is a life long process.