Famished Posted by Essence Renata , Monday, November 30, 2009 at 8:37 PM, in Labels: Poetry

Said you was hungry
and you needed me to feed you.

Famished even, and you needed
soul food to sustain.

Said you was hungry,
starving ...
if you will...

if I will?

Sustain you that is.

Said you was hungry
and I nourished you.

Fed you my spirit daily
Let you drink of my essence

Is it good babe?
Sweet enough for you?

Been ripening for many,
many moons now..it's yours for the taking

Seasoned with the bittersweet tears
Of a young girl lost

a dash of optimism
two heaping cups of passion

Is it to your liking love?
Here, have a another taste.

Said you was hungry
and I spoon fed you my spirit
For you to devour
and regurgitate it,
and gift me the mutilated
residuum of lingering love.

How was I to know I would
be found lacking
what your dreams are made of?

Rationed my spirit
Meager portions..
went hungry so you could feed,
Neglected and negated that
of which sustains the very spirit from
which you devoured my world.

My spirit emaciated ,
fragments of you amalgamated ,
with the minuscule remnants of me.

Muthafucka you could have least cleaned up your mess.

It's getting closer everyday Posted by Essence Renata , Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 7:18 PM, in

Less than six months until I relocate to my new life. I am excited. I am terrified. Wondering if this change will bring me and sig other closer together or pull us apart as we adjust to new surroundings, new friends, and the pursuit of our dreams in a different market. I make moves on the quiet tip. I once read that if you keep your major goals quiet you are more likely to achieve them because you don't feel the false sense of accomplishment that comes with people congratulating you on deciding to embark on your journey. So i took that advice, and have my major moves tucked in my back pocket, my dreams within reach. When things are a little more concrete, I will share them with you all.

Sig other is a good one for putting up with me, lord only knows I am a handful. I sometimes wonder if I am bipolar, because my emotions rack overwhelm me and change so rapidly that it sometimes frightens me. I know I have anger management issues, but there is a reason for that, I digress.

About four years ago I was in the belly of the beast. Full on trapped in a hot shitty mess of a relationship. I was abused, both mentally and physically, and I cheated on with enough girls to count of both hands (most of which did not come to my attention until I had enough and moved back to Oklahoma). Now I am not going to lie and pretend that I was the perfect girlfriend, because in the last six months, I was far from it, but I was broken and didn't care. I wanted to hurt that fucker as much I as was hurting, but I thinking I failed, because in hindsight I wonder if I was every even really loved at all. To the point of this story, I changed throughout the course of that two year relationship, I became bitchy, a weed head, a pill popper all in hopes of numbing the pain caused by the one I gave my heart to and put my future on hold for. I tried to speak more urban, they said I spoke too "proper" and to stop acting like a "white girl" and often dressed more seductively than I do now, using my body to get the attention that I lacked in my relationship. I look back at that sad young woman, lost in love, and I'm glad I met the me I was before the first time the hand connected with my face.

For the first time in many years, I face the world with the same optimism of a young woman fresh out of high school that the world has not yet beat down. And I am doing better this time around in college, I work full time for a living and have a household to maintain, I do not have time for the partying and other nonsense. Not going to even pretend that I don't still enjoy drinking and having a good time, but this time around, everything is in moderation.

Back to the point at hand (if I can recall what that is). I look forward to the changes that 2010 will bring me with fear and anticipation. I have tunnel vision when it comes to my future, my dreams are all I see.

Blakroc - Nothing LIke You Posted by Essence Renata , Saturday, November 14, 2009 at 8:16 PM, in Labels: music

reh... Posted by Essence Renata , Monday, November 9, 2009 at 8:43 PM, in

"I try to reel in the insanity, but sometimes that shit slips through the cracks"- Essence

Hmmm... I tweeted that earlier and then realized that is an accurate description of how I navigate through my life. I mean we all have twisted, abnormal thoughts, and I know that I'm a little more to the left that most.. but truth is.. i'm strange. I used to care what people thought, try to censor myself, be more acceptable, but the older I got, the less I cared. A strong believer of "happy endings are overrated" many of my short stories often end in death or suicide, something I realize iI realize I must change so I can be published, haha. I skip to the beat of my own drum, and it seems to be on a different rhythm than the rest of the world. I sometimes ponder whether sig other wonders what they have gotten into :D

Reh... just a random brain vomit. The next post will be better. Been feeling more "weird" than normal.

Just Something I wanted to share with you Posted by Essence Renata , at 8:22 PM, in Labels: art and pics

Everything I am: Thoughts on Mr. West Posted by Essence Renata , Saturday, October 24, 2009 at 7:50 AM, in

PLEASE!!!! PAUSE THE PLAYLIST ON THE SIDE AND LET THIS SHIT RIDE OUT AS YOU READ THIS.. ONE OF MY FAVORITE SONGS BY MR. WEST

"I'm a star how can I not shine?"- Kanye West

I am fully aware that right now Kanye West is not one of the most loved people in the world. I am also aware that he is a bit of an asshole. I don't care, he is still my favorite rapper.. his music speaks to me on so many levels. I love Ye for a number of reasons... he is above much of the repetitive bullshit that floods the market today. Now don't get me wrong... yes he does speak of flossing, cars, and girls.. but he does it a more creative way. But most of all.. Ye speaks of dreams. Following them.. the struggles on the path to achieving them... the downfalls of "arriving." As a woman who is very much on the grind,that speaks to me much more than syrup induced, auto tune laced flow of Lil Wayne. I will ride out to Wayne , but on some kick it with the homies getting drunk going to the club type shit, Ye touches me in a different way. I may be on his nuts something tough, but he is the best in My opinion, his body of work speaks for itself, and anyone who has every worked a 9 to 5 can feel "Spaceship."

"Feeling better than some head on a Sunday Afternoon, Better than a chick that says yes to soon"

I had a dream about Kanye one night. I tweeted about it when it first happened but it was awhile back and i only had like 65 followers (30 of them were probably Britney Fuck Vids spammers) so most of you have not heard this story .

It is after the club and I'm starving as usual so I walk into a diner to grab a bite to eat. (I don't know why I would be by myself after the club, that screams "come rape and kill me!!" but in the dream I was so we'll let that ride out). In this little hole in the wall, sitting at a booth my himself, there he was in the flesh, Mr. West. I almost piss my pants with excitement and approach him trying hard not to seem like a groupie. He was cool, not pompous at all (which also seems far from realistic lol) and he told me to sit down and eat with him. I sit, and we have one of the best conversations I have ever had in my life. I ask him where he got inspirations for some of my favorite songs by him, we talk about life, music ..everything under the moon and stars and I am left giddy and filled with excitement. We take a bunch of pictures in my phone (which was an htc touch at the time) and part ways. I awoke that morning thinking the dream was real. I grabbed my phone to look at the pictures, and fell back in the bed with disappointment when I realized it was all a dream. Weird, I know. LOL

"I did dirt and went to church to get my hands scrubbed
Swear I've been baptised at least 3 or 4 times
But in the land where nigga's praise
Yukons and getting paid
It gon' take a lot more than coupons to get us saved"

A brief background to allow you to understand the great deal of respect and admiration that I have for this man's music. It's changed me on a number of levels, I was listening to "I wonder" the night before I made the call to my enrollment adviser to get back into school. I work out to his music.. I get fucked up to his music ( man.. "Addiction" is a mutha.. every time I hear that song I either want to write or rub on myself lol)... basically Kanye is the active soundtrack to my life. And I strongly feel that if you haven't listened to "We Major" on late registration you are doing yourself a great disservice and you should do so immediately.

"Why everything that's supposed to be bad.. make me feel so good ?"

This blog was incited by my overwhelming excitement for Through The Wire: Lyrics and Illuminations. Now after hearing about Ye's alleged tie to Illuminati still trying to process how I feel about the title , but I am going to purchase the book regardless. The pictures scattered throughout the blog were some of the illustrations from the book. I can't wait!!! I am certain in will rub my muse in a good way.

Here's some info on it from www.amazon.com

Product Description
This is a rare partnership between two geniuses at the top of their crafts -- Kanye West, who was named "the smartest man in hip-hop" by Time magazine, and Bill Plympton, an Academy Award-nominated animator, cartoonist, and illustrator.

Through the Wire is a graphic memoir that illustrates the lyrics of twelve Kanye West songs to tell his story, from his decision to drop out of college to pursue his dreams in music, through his days spent folding chinos at the Gap while struggling at night to make a name as a producer, through the pivotal car accident that eventually set him on the course to stardom and the epiphany of realizing exactly who he had become:

"...They say people in your life are like seasons
And anything that happens is for a reason..."

Plympton illustrates each of the songs in detail, his vision of Kanye's world. The songs are annotated with explanations of the references in the songs, biographical components that illuminate the lyrics, and their meaning on a deeply personal level.

The result is a one-of-a-kind book that initially grabs you and stays with you forever.

You can pre-order and save 52% here: http://www.amazon.com/Through-Wire-Illuminations-Kanye-West/dp/1416537759

Just wanted to share my excitement with you all. What do you think about Kanye West? (I want to know your honest opinions, but please, keep that Taylor Swift shit off my blog, so tired of hearing about it. And for those of you that think his career is over because of that nonsense you are truly special, because true talent shines it's light despite adversity, whether it is self-inflicted or not). What are you favorite songs by him if you are a fan? Talk to me people, I want to know what you think.

Until Later... much love to all :D

The Realest Ish I Ever Wrote (part un) Posted by Essence Renata , Friday, October 2, 2009 at 12:53 AM, in Labels: Random Rants of Essence

So I’m about to hit on a touchy subject. After spending two days completely immersed in learning about hip hop and it’s connections to the occult, I gained a plethora of knowledge I don’t think I wanted. I felt strange and very uneasy.. dismantled. I had to take a shower and cry. I cried when I read some of the stuff I found, I cried when the hot water hit then tension in my neck that for some reason hasn’t been able to release for the past three to four weeks or so.

I thought about my strong reaction to what I saw, how angry I was when I read the allegations of Jay-Z being an alleged devil worshiper and using his influence to secretly pedal a message of the New World Order out to his millions of adoring fans. Me being one of them. I remember the reasonable doubt poster I had hanging in my college dorm room, how every time I would purchase a new Jigga album, I would put my headphones on and bang it from front to back, the first time I heard “The Black Album”… etc. And don't even get me started on Kanye. Ego aside.. since "The College Dropout" his albums have been the virtual soundtrack to my journey of becoming a better me. See, most people would retort, why are you so upset? It’s just music. However for me, there is no such thing as JUST music… I feel as if music flows through my veins, gets inside me… I need it to live. I don’t need tv as long as I have access to my computer and my itunes… I could write for hours..music incites my muse. I digress.

I still don’t know why I cried, I don’t know what the truth is.. no one knows but him. But as I watched segments 1- 11 of the “Jay-Z Deception” on youtube.. the evidence seemed overwhelming. I found myself enraged, when the accused Beyonce (who there is no secret that I adore) of being involved of this nonsense. There were hundreds of videos breaking down each and every scene from their videos, and explaining the ties to the occult or some form of ritual or symbolism. Now, in many cases I feel as if some of this was just extremely right winged Christians, trying to scare people out of listening to secular music. Now I know that Jay’s music is not exactly clean, but come on now… Sasha Fierce is the demon possession on Beyonce? Excuse my language, but Get the Fuck out of here.

It bothered me that they singled out the most successful black musicians of today, Jay-Z, Beyonce, Kanye West, and Rihanna and nitpicked their every single move and gave everything a secret, hidden meaning. Maybe that’s why I cried I don’t know. Maybe it was the overwhelming amount of knowledge of evil in the world that I had been blissfully ignorant to up until that point and had been dumped upon me. I mean, I know the world is a bad, bad place, but I was really unaware of the depth of these rituals and secret societies went. Scary Stuff. Maybe it was because the videos of pastors playing a doctored version of Jay-Z’s “Lucifer” backwards in front of a congregation with stating that Jay was claiming that the message was “Murder murder, jesus” took me back to an incident that I had in church on Easter in 2006. I was sitting in a pew near the front, and the pastor felt the need to call my lifestyle out in front of the entire church. I will never forget that feeling. I haven’t been back to church since. Not saying that I’m perfect, but if you are going to call me out on loving someone who is like me… you should go down the row and hit up everyone else and their sins too. Church people are funny to me.

I know this was a very random and disjointed entry, but today my emotions were all over the place. I know you may read this and wonder why I should care and have such a strong reaction to it.. once again it’s just music, and once again I would have to rebuttal that to me it’s so much more than that. It’s what gets me through my tough work days, my workout, I make love to it, it makes me happy, makes me sad, incites tears of both joy and sorrows, can trigger memories that would other remain tucked away in the far corners of my brain, it’s the soundtrack to achieving my dreams and I associate none of that with darkness. I mean, it's not the most moral music but you get my point. I'm done talking about this now and I'm moving on to myself now. . .




Listening to "Made Up My Mind" by Lyfe Jennings as I write this, that song touches on a lot feelings and experiences that I try to tuck away and ignore. Eyes are burning with tears again... sheesh I hate emo days. I've talked to sig other about going back to church, but after that last horrific and humiliating experience I have very little tolerance for judgment and it makes me hesitant. And it's not even the life style judgment.. it's everything.. the tattoos, the fact that I have a very large ass with a large set of breasts to accompany it.. I know good and well how to cover myself up, but I can't help that I have a voluptuous figure. I used to have to deal with the looks about that too. Maybe things will be different this time. Maybe they won't. I know I shouldn't care...but the things that were said to me are imprinted on me forever like one of my tattoos.. and it's just been one of those things that are hard to shake. Always so quick to point the finger when you are not 100% right yourself. Church people are funny to me.