It's getting closer everyday Posted by Essence Renata , Tuesday, November 24, 2009 at 7:18 PM, in

Less than six months until I relocate to my new life. I am excited. I am terrified. Wondering if this change will bring me and sig other closer together or pull us apart as we adjust to new surroundings, new friends, and the pursuit of our dreams in a different market. I make moves on the quiet tip. I once read that if you keep your major goals quiet you are more likely to achieve them because you don't feel the false sense of accomplishment that comes with people congratulating you on deciding to embark on your journey. So i took that advice, and have my major moves tucked in my back pocket, my dreams within reach. When things are a little more concrete, I will share them with you all.

Sig other is a good one for putting up with me, lord only knows I am a handful. I sometimes wonder if I am bipolar, because my emotions rack overwhelm me and change so rapidly that it sometimes frightens me. I know I have anger management issues, but there is a reason for that, I digress.

About four years ago I was in the belly of the beast. Full on trapped in a hot shitty mess of a relationship. I was abused, both mentally and physically, and I cheated on with enough girls to count of both hands (most of which did not come to my attention until I had enough and moved back to Oklahoma). Now I am not going to lie and pretend that I was the perfect girlfriend, because in the last six months, I was far from it, but I was broken and didn't care. I wanted to hurt that fucker as much I as was hurting, but I thinking I failed, because in hindsight I wonder if I was every even really loved at all. To the point of this story, I changed throughout the course of that two year relationship, I became bitchy, a weed head, a pill popper all in hopes of numbing the pain caused by the one I gave my heart to and put my future on hold for. I tried to speak more urban, they said I spoke too "proper" and to stop acting like a "white girl" and often dressed more seductively than I do now, using my body to get the attention that I lacked in my relationship. I look back at that sad young woman, lost in love, and I'm glad I met the me I was before the first time the hand connected with my face.

For the first time in many years, I face the world with the same optimism of a young woman fresh out of high school that the world has not yet beat down. And I am doing better this time around in college, I work full time for a living and have a household to maintain, I do not have time for the partying and other nonsense. Not going to even pretend that I don't still enjoy drinking and having a good time, but this time around, everything is in moderation.

Back to the point at hand (if I can recall what that is). I look forward to the changes that 2010 will bring me with fear and anticipation. I have tunnel vision when it comes to my future, my dreams are all I see.